Blocking everything... soon I'm only going to be able to blog from school. D8<>.<
And when the school blocks Blogger... what do I do then?
I'll save up for my own laptop. >8D Then I can take it anywhere I want and blog. Geez.
Anyway, Yesterday I talked to Tucker. It was strange. I've never talked to him on such a level--superficial as it was, I've never really talked to the guy other than to say, "Hey, what was the assignment again?" But I asked about Younglife, and he just went all out. We talked (well, more like he did) all the way out to the quad and I felt kind of self-conscious, like, "Dude, people can see you talking to me. What would your girlfriend think? What would your friends think? I know what I, think--I think all your friends and your girlfriend are going to think that you've somehow sunk so low as to talk to me."
Then it hit me--how I really feel about myself on the social scale. I know it's wrong to think like that, but with a background like mine, how can you blame me? I've been labeled the "nerdy, anime-hentai, kids-who-do-pot-behind-the-bleachers" kind of person. Or so I think I have. I remember, my freshman (or was it sophomore?) year, my friend told me that some girl thought I was weird and scary. I was like, "I don't even know that bitch. What did I indirectly cram up her asshole?" Now I feel like I'm not as weird as I used to be, but I still like anime, but I've never done pot (as far as I know, I may have done it while sleepwalking, but I'm not known to sleepwalk, but I have fell off the bed before when I was five or so).
I know there are kids who are "popular" who talk to me, but it's on an EXTREMELY superficial level--they just pass by and say, "Hi," and I'm like, "Hi," all sweetly, but on the inside, I'm like, "Shit, you say you're my friend but all you do is just say 'hi' when I pass by in the hallway--fuck that, I'm not your friend." So in the end, it's a very malicious "hi".
The only people I actually hang out with are Matt, Josh, and Jared. Lately, I've only passed notes with Talia. I like hanging out with Diddy afterschool, because I've known her for 3+ years now and I really like when she starts conversations with me--like the last time, she told me that she wears undershirts all the time, but now because of her baby belly, her undershirts ride up and she needs to get maternity ones. It's little things like that that maketh meh happy.
Lately, most of the people I talk to in person are male. And not like "hi" in the hallway, bullshit, but actually, "so did you see Glee last night?" kind of thing.
By the way, I fell in love with Glee. I believe it's very well-written. And I also saw five minutes of an episode of Jersey Shore. It's total crap. And the guy with the "abs" doesn't even have nice abs. They're actually pretty ugly. Those kids need Jesus.
I hope I can have the patience to keep my cool until I leave this place. Right now, I feel my patience being slowly stretched.
I don't think that the school could ever block Blogger---aren't intern kids supposed to post to it and stuff? (And, at one point, Hjort used it for APUSH stuff---idk if APUSH/AP Gov kids use it anymore.) That always made me feel pretty safe about Blogger---even if I was posting "bad" things to it or reading "bad" entries, the school couldn't get rid of it xD
ReplyDeleteAlso, in the words of someone I've been talking to recently: "Just roll with it." If someone's talking to you, just go with it. Lately, I've been thinking of myself as a Pokemon---like talking to people is Experience Points, but I have hardly any, so I'm like a level 5 Pokemon or something---not a baby (level 1), but kind of barely starting a journey, like a starter.
I also never thought of you as a hentai lover or pot-smoker. (Well, not a pot smoker till you started mentioning Daniel, but you said you hated smoking, so that canceled that out.)
I also don't think that I've ever had malicious thoughts to someone while saying "hi." Mostly, I'm incredibly confused, like, "Wtf? You think I'm even good enough to talk to?!!"
Sometimes I wish I would have stopped by De Arcos's and talked to her after school. Sometimes I don't because I know it would have been incredibly awkward anyway---she was usually surrounded by more outgoing, more friendly, more interesting people. I would have just been all standing there, like, "Uh, hi."